THE UNCLE PROJECT

PROJECT OVERVIEW

The Uncle Project is a violence prevention project focused on engaging men and youth rooted in our traditional role as an uncle. The project started out with a bunch of men from across the country having conversations about what is normal and what are common connections for us native men from different tribes and villages across the country. When we look back in history across all Native American traiditons everyone had a responsibility and an obligation in the community, each one valued and respected and held in equal regard. When discussing roles of men and women, we find that all tribes and native villages had several roles for men and women that were universal. The two biggest are that all men had roles as fire keepers and all women had roles as water keepers and all women had roles as aunts and all men had roles of uncles in family and community.

One of the stories told was the primary job of the parents was to care for the youngest child or infant and the belief is that that love bond is never to be broken. The parents were to give unconditional love to the child(ren), to speak softly and to nurture them. As they aged grandparents helped out with older children and the aunties became your educators and the uncles your disciplinarians. That belief that the parent/child bond was so sacred and to be only connected to love was to ensure emotional security and to
create strong, competent children. Our aunties showed us things and asked things from us. This is a way of teaching. We learned from their direct involvement as well as doing what was expected of us. Our uncles were teachers too, largely in experiential ways where they involved us in activities, and they too asked things from us, but when your child was acting out or had issues you told your brother about it and your bother than had the conversation with your child. While there was a more taught and understood practice many years ago, we still see how these cultural roles play out today.

Think of your childhood, family gatherings, or just visiting. If you had gotten into trouble and word got around your family it was your uncles who would bring that up. Or if you and your cousins were getting too rowdy it was your uncles who came in and roughed around with you and settled you down. Sometimes, if you did not get the message, they might get a little rough but they stopped short of bullying. Many men in our discussions said while growing up anytime we got in trouble in our family it was always our uncles who came in and straighten us out a bit. It was never malicious or bad, but they called you on your behavior. Sometimes they did a little bit of shame, a little bit of teasing. But they never went so far to try to ruin who you were as a person.

This is one of the customs we are want to bring into our work and practice in our community. Primary prevention work talks about the how important the role of positive caring adults is in the lives of children. We knew this for generations and how important
these roles are and how they help address some of the problems we see with children also how can we be there to guide as teachers and have a support system that does not belittle who they are as people. Certainly, there are the fun uncles and party uncles that can be entertaining but they are not always the best influencers so when we talk about the role of uncles at times there will be limitations on the guidance we take from them but certainly not to totally discount the person overall because they may have been misguided or have personal issues they are dealing with.

It is also customary to be an uncle based on age and relationship between the persons. We all have close friends whose children we call niece and nephew and they call us uncle or auntie. We take on an extra obligation and connection with them beyond just
being our friend’s children. This also extends to children in the community. We may address children as niece and nephew as a compassionate way of communicating with them. However, when a child comes up to you and addresses you as auntie or uncle, they have just put that obligation on you to response to them as niece or nephew. You will then have to be a guide and educator to them and demonstrate good decisions.

Each adult in your life will teach you different things. Some uncles are very responsible with how they function in life with things from taking care of self, managing money, taking care of property, being a good partner in relationships, or being a good father. Others may be skilled mechanically or artistically. They can teach how to make or repair things. How to plan and prepare for projects and be organized while doing so. Uncles can also be gifted physically and guide you in fitness or athletics. That can be from taking hikes, outdoor activities, and teaching sports.

Overall, being or having a good uncle mainly is about making time and space for youth and being an ally for the parents. Checking in on them to make sure they are doing okay, maybe sharing a story or teaching language. Provide reassurance then they mess up and also be there to tell them when they are messing up. When they mess up try to understand why they did that so you can be a better guide. Parents can have a narrow vision of what their children need because there are focused on them through their own lens and that blinds them from seeing their own child as a whole person. The uncle is not a mediator in these situations but a person when a child may be able to talk with about what they want or what they are experiencing.

For this project we uncles to be more than a comforting voice or stern guider. This project is focused on violence prevention and healthy relationships and for this we are not naturally prepared to do. It takes reflection of self to understand where you need to grow and change. It takes education and ongoing effort to for self-improvement and supporting those around you. It takes courage in stepping up in community to show to events and support local efforts. Finally, you will reach a point where you are passing
along what you know to others as a mentor or educator.

This workbook will guide you through a process of self-reflection and set the stage for going out and being a good uncle to others in your community.